Without Her
by SquirlK
Summary: AU Set in Angel season five, right after 'Damage'. Spike's depression leads to a drastic action.


Without Her

Disclaimer: Don't own them

Summary: AU season five Angel set right after Damage. Spike's depression leads to a drastic action.

Reviews: Yes, please. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE!

A/N: I'm kinda depressed. Sat down to write, this is what came out. Love it, hate it, either way just tell me.

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Spike put the finishing touches on the letter. He'd worked all night on getting the wording just right. Without bothering to reread it, he sealed it into the envelope that was waiting. He sat back and inhaled needlessly. Now that he'd reached his decision, it was so much easier to face what he was about to do. He looked around the tiny basement apartment he'd called home for such a short time. The blond vampire knew that someone would be around to check on him when he failed to show up at the evil empire his misguided sire had taken over. Finding out his so-called seer had played him for a fool had brought home to the fact that no one took him seriously at all. He absently rubbed the healing scars on his left forearm. The psycho slayer had further driven into him the feeling that his presence was more of a burden than anything else. So he'd decided to fix it. The burden would no long plague anyone. His unlife had been empty without Buffy and he honestly couldn't see going to her after his 'grand exit' and attempting to make himself believe what she'd said was the truth.

He closed his dark blue eyes at the pain of remembering her last words to him. He knew it had only been a lie to make him believe he was doing the right thing by dying to save the world. He let out a mirthless chuckle. He hadn't needed the lie, he'd known that his death would mean everyone he loved would live and he'd been ok with that. Facing Dana's insanity had been a cold slap in the face. He'd gotten off easy in dealing with his soul. He realized that now. The First had played with his mind and in the ensuing battle; he'd been forced to shove his guilt aside.

Now he knew what his next action needed to be. Without her, he was lost. Without her, he had no purpose. He couldn't be without her any longer.

He sighed. It was time. Time to leave and let Angel do whatever it was he was trying to do without interference. He'd enjoyed being a thorn in his sire's side but it had gotten old fast. He needed more of a reason to exist than that. He picked up the pen one more time and wrote a name on the outside of the envelope. He was confident that Andrew would not be able to keep the secret and he was not going to wait around for the fallout. Standing, he placed the letter carefully on top of his beloved duster and left.

**Three hours later…**

After knocking on the door for more than five minutes the slender brunette tried the door knob. To her surprise it turned easily. Angel had told them of Spike's depression, of his difficulty in coping with the feelings of guilt and uselessness brought about by Dana. She sent a frightened glance at her companion before she pushed the door open. The shorter of the two took the lead and cautiously peered into the dingy living space. They immediately spotted the stark white envelope lying on top of the achingly familiar black leather coat. The brunette rushed forward and snatched up the missive and gasped when she saw her name written in his flowing script. She sank down onto the worn sofa and stared at the envelope, afraid of what it held. She knew instinctively that he'd left again. She ripped it open and scanned the contents. A moan escaped as tears spilled from her crystal blue eyes. Horrified at what she read, she stared up at her sister. She shoved the letter into small, strong hands and rushed out of the room, heading for the stairs. A quick glance had the other girl following her sister as they raced up the seemingly endless flights of stairs. The door burst open and they stood there breathless, scanning the rooftop for the man they had come to find. The one they both loved and wanted back in their lives more than anything. The one they had mourned and missed for so many months. The air was still, making it easy to see the pile of dust on the black surface. Twin wails of anguished sorrow echoed as they realized that they were… too… late.

Finis


End file.
